The Secret To A Lasting Loving Marriage

“The difficultly with marriage is that we fall in
love with a personality, but we must live with a
character.”
- Peter Devries

I was contemplating this quote in relation to my own troubled marriage recently and had a profound insight.

Our character is who we are behind closed doors when no-one is watching, while our personality is simply how we generate ourselves to the world around us.  I have come to realise that within this difference lies the secret to a long lasting and loving relationship.

When my husband and I met we were two very different people to who we are today. I met a self confident and cheeky man just back from a 6 month yachting adventure & he met a vivacious, slightly naive country girl excited to be moving to the Big Smoke.  We wooed each other with travel stories & shared interests and when I (the abandoned only child) discovered the easygoing & fun-loving father to three gorgeous picture perfect children I was gone – hook line and sinker.

Now we did better than most with 10 years of marital blended family bliss before the cracks began to appear.  Looking back I can see that these cracks were our ‘inner selves’ emerging from hyper-sleep, bit by bit as our comfort grew.  When we finally stood naked in the harsh light of day we met one another’s characters for the first time.  Those aspects of ourselves that we didn’t like and had unconsciously locked away for fear of rejection.  Not only were we meeting one another for the first time we were also meeting ourselves for the first time – as adults.  Dishonesty, selfishness, jealousy and resentment are just a few of the qualities that showed up for us to examine and accept.

The reason I think many people fail in their marriage is not that they don’t love their spouse, its that they don’t love themselves.  While everyone else in their life is like a mirror that reflects their personality, their spouse is the mirror that reflects their character – in all it’s imperfection.  Some people just don’t like what they see and often choose to leave the relationship or be with someone else rather than allowing, loving and being with their whole self.

If the unexamined life is not worth living than the unaccepted self is not worth loving.  The secret to a lasting marriage- embrace your character and celebrate it with your spouse, for only then will you feel you are worth loving.

Cheering you on to a life time of happiness

Kendra

3 Steps to Dragon Intention!

Welcome everyone to 2012 – the year of the Dragon!  The dragon is a universal creature of myth and legend – a symbol of good fortune and a sign of intense power.  In Eastern Philosophy, the dragon is said to be a deliverer of good fortune and a master of authority.  The key to the dragon personality is that dragons are the ‘free spirits’ of the Chinese zodiac.  Dragons are most compatible with resourceful rats and charismatic monkeys.

My question to you is; how could you embrace the qualities of the dragon this year?  I myself intend to love, live and lead as fearlessly as a dragon in 2012.  To become an authority on the neuroscience and biology of wholehearted living.  What is your intention for the year ahead?

Remember that everything in life happens twice; first as a thought and then as a reality.  When you fail to set an intention you open the door to fear and stagnation.  Creating a powerful intention focuses all of your energy on a single point which influences the very nature of every activity you undertake.  You will send out a clear pulse that attracts experiences, opportunities and connections that are in alignment with who you are and what you want to achieve.

In order to create a powerful intention follow these 3 simple steps;

Step 1:  Connect to your heart energy.

Step 2:  Clarify your focus point by creating a specific and succinct statement e.g. I will become an action taker, I will master my finances, I will speak my truth…

Step 3:  Commit your intention to paper and speak it often.

Gong Xi Fa Cai!

Kendra

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Pay attention to where you pay attention!

At the recent Mind and its Potential conference in Sydney, I was lucky enough to catch up with Dr Jeffrey Schwartz.  In his recent book; You Are Not Your Brain,  Jeffrey talks about the concept of ‘veto power’.  Simply put this is the .2 of a second delay between when your brain sends us an error message to when your mind carries out it’s response.   In neuroscience terms .2 of a second is actually a very long time. The key to note here is; we may not be able to stop our brain from wandering where it will in the first place but we certainly have the power to choose whether or not we focus our attention on the content.  It seems we have free won’t far more than we have free will.

Remember this the next time your partner thoughtlessly does something that pisses you off.  Instead of engaging your inner critic, stop and choose to refocus your attention on something else that exists in the present moment, for just 10 seconds e.g. the colour of their eyes, the air flowing into your nostrils the various sounds you can hear around you.  This will move you into a state of ‘direct experience’ and disentangle you from the narrative allowing you to choose your response rather than react habitually. Practicing this mindfulness technique before you need it will support you to develop the discipline of veto power.

One thing to note is that using your minds braking system requires a lot of energy and resources (glucose and oxygen).  If you are tired, hungry or unwell your capacity will be dramatically reduced.  Ensuring you take care of your work life balance is essential for effective thinking.
To your success

Kendra